Week 4 (a little late) is all about self care

How appropriate that my schedule listed Self Care as the topic for this weeks’ blog, because I got really sick and was forced to spend a LOT of time taking care of myself, and had time to think about self care as well.

This is another area of my life where I struggle to maintain focus and consistency. If it were up to me, I would totally live inside my brain—thinking, reading, writing, and creating art. I would never have to stop a project in order to do silly things like eating food, brushing my teeth, or plucking the pesky crazy chin hairs that have started popping up in my life on a regular basis! I might be more inclined to go to the gym if…nope, there’s not really anything that makes me actually want to go to the gym! (If you have tips on this, please share!) I know that I feel better when I eat regularly, when I go to the gym or do some yoga, and when I take a shower! I just have a hard time making these things a priority.

One self care ritual that does come naturally to me is writing and reading. I’ll journal all day if you let me. I’ll read inspirational books and think about how to apply the lessons that they teach to my own life.

Recently, I had a conversation that changed my entire approach to self care, and that’s why I put the topic on the list of things to write about. Here’s what I learned:

Self care is not a reward

Mind. Blown.
This is exactly how I was thinking about my self care, and I didn’t even realize it until she pointed it out to me. I was waiting to eat until I did a certain amount of tasks. I was waiting to shower until I had completed so many chores. I was allowing myself the ability to put down my responsibilities in order to read or relax only after I got past that arbitrary point on my to-do list that I’d created for myself.

Self care is also not optional. I was missing that aspect when I thought about it. I had an image in my head of massages, bubble baths, and face masks as self care. Those extras really could be considered rewards or special occasion treats for times when we want to celebrate a goal reached or a task accomplished. But that’s not the full picture when it comes to self care.

Self care is actually taking a step back (if you have trouble with it) and looking at your life and realizing that EVERYTHING needs maintenance and care in order to run properly. Our cars need gas, and oil, and tire changes. Car washes aren’t even frivolous because they help maintain the materials that make up the body of the car. If you don’t wash your car regularly, rust and other deterioration happens a lot faster.

Our homes need to be cleaned, we need to fix the little things that break, and do preventative measures like adding salt to our water softeners, and checking our fire extinguishers and alarms. At our house, we have to call a plumber every 2 years to get a pipe routed out or our basement floods. The maintenance saves us from emergencies.

We feed our children and our pets everyday. We make their doctor appointments, dentist appointments, or grooming appointments.

I realized that I was taking care of all the other humans and animals, and all the things in my life. But I wasn’t taking good care of me. Self care is simply maintenance—but we have to do it ourselves because as adults, we’re responsible for our own maintenance.

Why can this seem overwhelming? Because we don’t take time to do this on a regular basis, and wait until our bodies are screaming EMERGENCY!, until our engine lights are blinking, and our metaphorical basements are flooding. When you’re standing in ankle-deep water, wondering what to do next, you don’t have time to address the cause until you clean up the effect.

Which brings me to last week, when I was supposed to be writing this post. Instead, I was sleeping, sick and exhausted. AGAIN. I hit full-on crash and burn mode. I had a list of self care that needed to become a part of my schedule that was literally a page long, but I hadn’t implemented any of it yet.

On this list?

  • Start taking my supplements and vitamins again
  • Drink more water
  • Get back to the gym and start doing yoga again
  • Get back on my anti-inflammatory diet that helps with my PCOS
  • Make a doctor appointment
  • Make a dentist appointment

(See, all these things are just regular maintenance necessities that I wasn’t doing. And I wonder why I was sick?!)

I am also creating a second list, of things that help me to relax and feed my soul. I’m putting them in my planner as priority items that I will do in order to take care of me. These are all simple and free.

My Self Care List

  • Take a hot bath
  • Use my foam roller, or use the sauna or steam room at the gym after exercising
  • Drink tea, make a latte, or eat a snack
  • Color, paint, or draw
  • Read
  • Meditate
  • Do a face mask or paint my nails
  • Go on a nature walk
  • Watch a movie or listen to music
  • Pet a cat
  • Turn off my phone for the evening
  • Dance in my kitchen

I’ve decided that none of those things are rewards. If I have some money to spare, having lunch with my girlfriends, getting a massage, or buying myself flowers are also things that I might do to reset my mind and spirit. But I’m not using them as rewards anymore. I don’t have to spend a week at the gym in order to have a snack. I don’t have to eat healthy all week in order to go out with my friends on Friday. I don’t have to work for 2 hours in the morning before I take my shower.

I’ll keep you all updated on my progress with this goal of not turning self care into a reward, and I’d love to hear from you. What is your best strategy for making time for yourself? What are your favorite things to do to reset and center? Do you wanna go to a yoga class with me?

Sending love out to you all! Take CARE. 🙂

Abundance isn’t easy

“There will always be more pans” says my husband, looking at me with a mixture of dismay and amusement. He’s just walked in on me furiously scrubbing a favorite pan with a homemade concoction of baking soda and lemon juice, trying to return it to its former glory. It was not working, and my frustration was admittedly over the top by the time he arrived on the scene.

If you know me, you know I love to cook. You have also probably been (embarrassingly) treated to a tour of my pot and pan collection, because I really can’t help myself. I love them.

Over years of working in the kitchen wares industry, I’ve been able to amass a collection of cookware that I only dreamed about in my waitressing/newspaper stringer days. I’m obsessed with my pots and pans, and that’s not necessarily a good thing, as I found out over Christmas break this year.

The once royal blue pan that I am trying to save is done. There’s nothing left to do to salvage its former glory. It needs to be replaced.

“I’m interested to see how the copper pans perform,” my husband is saying. “They look great. We should try one.”

I nod, eyes on my coffee. But I’m thinking about the pan we have. It is one of the nicest ones I’ve ever bought, back when I was making corporate-job money.

“What if I don’t like the new pan?” I say this and literal tears start to form in my eyes. I’m mad at myself for using this pan I loved. “I shouldn’t have used that pan so much!”

“Honey. There will always be more pans. Why would you not use a pan you like? That’s why you bought it in the first place, isn’t it? Most pans don’t last forever.”

And there it is. Sitting right in front of me. My struggle to break my lack mindset and replace it with an abundance mindset is real and tangible in the idea of replacing a pan. I suddenly realize that I have been working towards this moment, and I take a breath to calm down.

I grew up with hard-working parents who didn’t have a lot of material things, and didn’t really believe in spending money on new items if you could get them at garage sales or antique stores. We made do with what we had most of the time. Often, if we bought something that broke quickly or didn’t work, we were told, too bad. That’s what you bought, you’ll have to make do. We aren’t buying you another one. I am thankful for that upbringing, but I do get very nervous about what I consider to be major purchases, and will spend a great deal of time agonizing about something I know I’ll keep until it’s unusable. I also have a hard time throwing things away. But my husband has a point. There absolutely will always be more pans. I can do this.

A few days later…

My husband returns from TJ Maxx, where he found a lovely copper pan with a dark blue exterior. He tries it out, and loves it. I try it out. It’s actually great. He says that we should experiment with a few more uses, and then get some more in other sizes to replace our other old pans. I say okay.

A couple of weeks later…

We have three shiny new pans in different sizes. They are great. We’re getting in the car to go somewhere, and I notice the old pans in the garage, waiting to go into recycling. I look at the blackened exteriors, the scratched and battered interiors, the loose handle on one. I really did love them. But it’s time to let them go. There really will always be more pans.

“Goodbye” I whisper as I get into the car. “Thank you for serving me so well.”

I can do this!

Week 3: Attitudes & Exercise

A reward for trying to do things you always thought you couldn’t do? Taking pictures with cute firefighters!

I’m a big nerd. I’m not naturally inclined to sports or physical activities. There’s a joke that occasionally shows up in my social media about having Celtic genes means that when you exercise, your genes protect you from the marauding Englis by keeping you plump as a partridge if you are running. Pretty much me!

But, I have learned a lot about myself, the expectations I have for myself, and what I really can do in the last ten years, and these lessons are what I want to take forward with me in the future.

1. I Am Capable. I started running when I was 29. It was kind of a self dare to see if I could do it. I have vivid childhood memories of my elementary school gym teacher screaming at me while we ran the mile for the Presidential Fitness rest because I was so slow and I have that thing where your skin is so pale that when you run, you turn red and people think you’re dying!

I never thought I was made for running, but I wanted to challenge that belief. It was hard. I had to run from one light pole, walk to the next, and run to the third when I started. I couldn’t believe it later that summer when I ran my first full mile! I had a good friend who patiently practiced with me, though she was faster and fitter. She ran with me in my first few 5Ks. I’ve run in a 5K almost every year of my 30s! I’m not fast, but the point is that I can do it!

2. I Don’t Have to Be The Best. I’m a pretty competitive person, and I do like a challenge. But I’m never going to be a competitive athlete and I am okay with that now. I had a hard time realizing that I could do sports and fitness activities just for the joy of moving and having a body that works. That was one of the biggest benefits of going though the first phase of my chronic illness before I was diagnosed and didn’t have the simple joy of health! Now, I know that the reward for fitness is just doing it and having the blessing of a body that holds me up, moves, stretches, and breathes!

3. I Don’t Have to Be All or Nothing. I can skip a day, a week, or longer depending on what’s happening and where my priorities are without giving myself a guild trip anymore. It’s my choice to workout or not. No one is able to do everything all the time, and I have lots of things that I want to do and that I love to do. Yes, yoga and running are on that list, but I do them when I have time, and when they’re a priority. My life is full and varied and I am happy with my body because it functions.

4. I’m Not Afraid to Exercise In Front of Other People Anymore. I don’t know where this quirk in my personality came from, but I was very secretive about exercising when I was younger. I didn’t want to go to the gym with my friends. I didn’t like taking a class with anyone that I actually knew. I was embarrassed of just the way I moved and felt in my skin, and didn’t want others to see my awkward flailing! Think if a human danced like a Muppet and you’re pretty close to my typical level of gracefulness.

But it’s no fun to hide and avoid things in life. I’m really tired of all that nonsense. So, I’m no longer afraid of moving in front of people. I’m embracing my fully nerdy self and doing things with my friends! I’m even doing yoga with my husband.

5. Finally, I’m embracing my beautiful body as it is. I’m wearing what I want to wear when I am doing regular life, when I’m working out, when I’m at the beach. I’m so pale that I glow in the dark. I have a squishy body with great curves. I realize that my double chin isn’t hideous when I hang out with my niece who has the same chin! I’m just deciding that I’m having fun being me.

I read a meditation last year that rocked me to my core and changed a lot for me in this last area. And the idea was so simple: I am not my body.

I am not my body.

I am the spirit, the essential core, that resides in this body. My body is my shell, like a turtle or a crab. It’s my protection and my vehicle. It’s how I do my mission, whatever the mission is. And that idea is pretty freeing. I may be judged by my body, but that’s not a judgment of who or what I really am. Whatever I really am will outlast this physical body.

Whether you love or hate the shell you’re currently residing in, take care of it. That’s the most important thing I hope that my experience can impart to you. Health is a gift. We’re so lucky to have whatever health we’re given and it might not last. So move for the joy of it. Let other people move with you. No one actually does care if you dance like a Muppet!

My own health journey

NOTE: This post contains topics including reproductive health. If you are sensitive about these subjects, please know that this is my experience. This post is not meant to be advice and is completely my own opinion.

After approximately 30 years of relatively good health that allowed me to basically ignore that aspect of my life, all through 2013 I struggled with a snowballing list of symptoms that I couldn’t figure out.

I was working out 6 days a week because a friend and I had taken up running in 2009. I did yoga, crazy cardio classes, and ran. I was eating extremely healthfully, and kept a log of everything I ate.

Yet, with this seemingly healthy array of habits, I was exhausted. My ankles began to swell and hurt constantly. I started going to physical therapy and cut back on the running, though I didn’t stop. I also started gaining weight. Between 2010 and 2013, I put on 40 pounds and it kept climbing no matter what I did. I also started getting migraines at a much higher pace than normal for me—they started at about one a month, and by 2013, I was getting them 2-3 times a week. I started to see a neurologist but nothing helped. The entire time, I did have a very stressful job, and it was keeping me in the office for long, highly intense hours on a regular basis. I started noticing my hair was falling out. OH, and I got shingles. I started coming home from work every night, eating some food, and falling asleep. I had no energy for anything else. I felt like a 90 year old woman.

I went from a size 4, to a 6, skipped the 8s, then 10, and 12 within such a short period of time, I didn’t know from day to day if any of my clothes would fit. My husband found me in tears the day I couldn’t zip up my knee-high boots because my left leg was so swollen. I had to cut myself out of that boot.

Every conversation I had with a doctor went like this:

  • I would list the above litany of symptoms and concerns.
  • The doctor would look at my food log and exercise journal, look at me—obviously puffy and 40 pounds heavier than my previously natural weight—and suggest that I was not being truthful.
  • The doctor would tell me I was stressed out and should look into antidepressants.

I knew that wasn’t the answer. I just knew something else was going terribly wrong.

Finally, I attended a Christmas party where the wife of one of my husband’s colleagues started sharing about her job as a fertility consultant. Some of the stories she told about her own journey with health made me ask her some deep questions—I hadn’t been trying to get pregnant, but she had dealt with many of the same symptoms I was dealing with and I thought…maybe this isn’t a coincidence.

Through our connection, and eventually my becoming her client, we were able to finally come to a diagnosis of PCOS in 2014. I had to find a specialist who could diagnose me, and I had to advocate for myself. My doctor did not refer me. They were still pushing the antidepressant route.

April 2014: I weighed 180 pounds, up from my natural set point of 130 (natural set point meaning that’s the weight I was at, effortlessly, before I started dealing with symptoms of my disease). I had stopped exercising due to the swelling feet and ankles and the pain. I was more than tired—I felt like I was walking around dead. And, I went off birth control as part of the diagnosis process, revealing that my cycles (which had never been regular) had completely stopped happening naturally.

Me in the middle, with my friends right around the time I was diagnosed.
Me in 2009, at my wedding. I had already started gaining weight and dealing with the ankle swelling here, but it wasn’t hugely noticeable.
Me in 2006 before anything was wrong.

It was actually a relief to get a diagnosis. At that point, I was sure I would never feel healthy again. I went to the bookstore, got 3 books on my condition, and began to study.

I started to put what I learned into practice, beginning with my diet. I had an assortment of supplements that were recommended to me by my specialist. He also suggested that I go gluten free, because often gluten causes severe inflammation and digestive issues in people with PCOS. I was skeptical—it’s become such a fad diet and people don’t understand that it’s not a weight loss tool. But, my husband (who turned out to be my biggest health champion!) said we should give it a shot because I had nothing to lose.

Within two weeks my life changed. I began to feel more energy. I didn’t wake up and immediately want to go back to sleep. I felt like going for a walk to get some exercise. I stopped feeling shaky and weak an hour after eating (because I was regulating my blood sugar better with the new diet and supplements). My ankles stopped hurting and the swelling started to go down.

That first year, I lost 10 pounds of the 50 I’d gained and I kept it off for awhile, which gave me hope. I was still under a lot of stress and there were many life changes to make before things really took off, but it was a HUGE start, a relief, and a new lease on life!

In the last 4 years, I’ve had the energy to go back to grad school while working full-time, I left that job and started a business. I started a second business! I travel, I go out with friends, I do all the things I’d missed out on when I was so sick! My migraines are back to a once-a-month level.

I won’t ever be able to have children, but my husband and I are at a good place with that. We love our lives, and are just happy that I’m well enough to enjoy all the things we get to do.

Last year, I took huge strides in regaining the levels of health I enjoyed before my journey with PCOS started. I found a hair care strategy that helped me to begin regaining the nearly 20% hair loss. I started working with a body concierge who has helped me to further refine my diet to my nutritional needs and specific health concerns, and I lost 13 pounds.

This year, we’re working on building back my muscle strength, and creating a low-impact workout routine that my health can support. I want to be as strong on the outside as I feel on the inside. I will probably lose more weight in the process, but the goal is health.

I am so thankful for all that I’ve been through. It made me strong and resilient. It made me realize how much I took my health for granted. It gave me a glimpse of the struggles people go through to maintain their health in our busy culture. I had to make hard choices in order to get to this point—I truly had to change my whole life. But it has been so worth it. I can’t wait to see what happens next!

Me today—a woman with strength!

Week 2: The Health Challenge

NOTE: My personal health journey has been a roller coaster, and I’m going to share more about that in a later post because I think it’s important for you to know where I’m coming from.

Years, probably, have been spent in my life worrying about health, weight, food, all the things we consider to be essential to the experience of being a woman in our culture. I wish I could say that I didn’t worry about these things. I know a lot of it comes down to vanity, and not much of it is meaningful. I’m working on it.

This year, I am trying to focus on the meaningful side of health. My challenge is based on taking better care of myself because I want to know that I have the energy and capacity to be able to focus on other areas of my life. I don’t want to waste time on sick days, injury recovery, or low energy and shakiness because I’ve forgotten to take care of myself. These things are hard for me.

Creating this month’s challenge, I started by setting some tangible goals for WHAT I wanted to accomplish:

  • To manage my chronic illness consistently and proactively.
  • To increase my energy levels.
  • To build strength.
  • To work towards a healthy BMI.

Next, I worked on laying out the strategy:

  • I set a why as the first half of my strategy because I have to be doing something for a reason, other than the outcome, otherwise I fall off the wagon before I’ve reached my goal.
    My WHY: I have struggled with my health for almost a decade and I’m on an upswing. I know what it’s like to feel terrible all the time, and I refuse to go back to that! I am working on my wellness so that I don’t have to constantly think about my wellness.
  • The second half of the strategy is the how. This is where I set the tasks I’m going to complete in order to achieve the goals.
    My HOW: To manage my chronic illness consistently and proactively, I need to take the supplements that I know help me on a regular basis, I need to regularly sleep well for 8-9 hours a night, and I need to manage my stress levels. For strength building, I’m doing yoga because it’s low impact. I decided that working on a pose that I’ve always wanted to do that builds core strength and another that builds arm strength would be my “goal” and that I’ll have to do yoga consistently in order to do those. To increase my energy levels, on top of managing my stress and sleep, I’m going to also go to the gym to do low impact workouts on my non-yoga days. And all of these things combined with my healthy eating habits (what I worked on last year) should lead towards the healthy BMI.

Next, I needed a plan for my challenge—the steps I’ll take to meet my goal. I worked on taking each of the strategy items, assigning specific tasks and then scheduling WHERE and WHEN I would do them. For example: I’ll do yoga on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday at my house in the living room. I also picked out accountability partners to keep me on track. Knowing WHO I can lean on when I need motivation to keep going is a huge key to meeting this challenge.

Now, I’m in the implementation phase. I have to actually DO the things in order to meet the goal. While I do each step, I’ve set specific check-in times to refine what I’m doing based on TRACKING my progress, EVALUATING whether it’s working, and then ADJUSTING as needed.

I have a Google Doc* that I built and attached as a link to my calendar on the days that I’ve set aside time to track my progress. As I move forward, I’ll provide updates to see if this all works, to share what I’ve learned and whether this plan is worth carrying over into the next decade!

*Want a Google Doc of your own? I can send you a copy. Just send me an email to let me know you’d like one.

Week 1: Setting up the Plan

Imperfect.

We spend January 1 walking through our lives, room by room, drawing up a list of work to be done, cracks to be patched. Maybe this year, to balance the list, we ought to walk through the rooms of our lives…not looking for flaws, but for potential.

— ellen goodman.

In my mid-30s, I blew up my life, and over the last 2.5 years I’ve been slowly working to put everything back in order—but not back together, because I want a completely different life by the time I’m all done and ready to move forward.

I went back to grad school, I left a job that made me miserable, and I started my own business. Those were the big 3 of the shakeup.

As I let go of those big things the smaller things that I’d put up with because there were more important things to address started to clamor for attention, too. I started to ask why I didn’t stand up for myself more, why I wasn’t taking care of myself, and whether the beliefs I’d carried about myself through life to this point were even true anymore. I started to take a look at my relationships and the way that I spent my time.

Now, I am starting this project as a way to reset my parameters. I’m going to experiment with how I do things, do a lot of writing & thinking, and talk to other women.

By my 40th birthday, I hope that my life will be all set for the next chapter, full of joy and intention. I hope to have a framework to get me through whatever challenges come in the next decade.

While I’m going to write about a lot of ideas and subjects organically, these are the main topics I plan to dive into each month:

  • January: Health
  • February: Visibility, Self-Love, and Self-Care
  • March: Soul Searching
  • April: Financial Independence
  • May: Fashion and Organization
  • June: Relationships & Family
  • July: Travel
  • August: Creativity
  • September: Stepping Out of Comfort Zones

Another part of this project is being okay with imperfection, and being kinder to myself in the process of redesigning my life. My husband recently pointed out that I was hyper self-critical…and I knew that, but it was startling to know other people see that in me, too.

I don’t deserve to have to live under such hard criticism, even if it is from myself. I need to show myself some grace, and learn to make room in my life to learn, to make mistakes, and just to breathe. So, I made my word of the year for 2020: Imperfect.

If any of this sounds interesting, I hope you’ll follow my blog. I’ll have some challenges if you’d like to do some of the same projects that I tackle.

So, there it is. That’s the plan. I’ll share January’s Challenge on Wednesday.

It’s all happening.

Penny lane, Almost Famous.

Welcome to 40 by Design

I’ve got exactly 40 weeks until i turn 40…

It’s January 2020, and here I am, looking at my planner and realizing that it’s showtime in this thing we call LIFE. What I mean is: 40 is what I’ve been waiting for. It’s the age that I’ve imagined that I’d have it all together, and come into my own…

I design customer/client experiences for a living. And my life isn’t all that messy or anything, but I definitely thought I’d have my shit together before now, you know? By 40, I should have this adulting thing down!

I decided that I’m going to do something different this year. Not exactly a resolution, more like a project. A LIFE DESIGN PROJECT. For 40 weeks, leading up to my birthday, I’m going to examine 40 different aspects of my life and the lives of women I admire, and make adjustments for maximum living.

Why do this?

  • Because I want to do something to honor this milestone—something to celebrate it. I want to bring more JOY into this year!
  • Because the more I work on improving aspects of businesses and brands, the more I see the connections you can make to improving your life. I like this idea, and I want a way to explore the concept.
  • Because it’s a creative project, and I’m a big giant nerd! I’m not sure what this will look like in the end, I’m just jumping in and seeing what happens, and that’s exciting because all my other projects are results-oriented. This is just for the doing!

I’m going to share things I’m working on (including organizing my closet, trying to do a better job at managing my household, fun things I want to try, and other goals I’m working towards); I’m going to share personal stories; and I’m going to explore deep issues. I invite you to follow along with me.

Before I get started, let’s answer a few questions:

  • Why are you blogging publicly, rather than keeping a personal journal?
    Because I did the research—there aren’t many interesting resources that discuss the topic of being a woman about to turn 40. I don’t care about “Anti-Aging Techniques to Keep You Looking Young” or “40 Things Women Over 40 Shouldn’t Ever Wear”. I’m interested in growth, depth, and insight. Maybe this will be a resource for other women looking for the same kind of thing.
  • What topics do you think you’ll write about?
    Cooking, Style, Decorating, Art, Managing My Schedule, Health, Being a Woman Business Owner, Being a Woman, Deep Soul Stuff…cats…
  • Who would you love to connect with via your blog?
    I want to connect with you if you’re a woman working to find her way in the world with intention. I want to connect with you if you care about character, grace, being a good person while doing great things…and how to manage all of that without going flippin’ crazy!
  • If you blog successfully throughout the 40 weeks, what would you hope to have accomplished?
    I hope that this will be a record of an amazing journey. I hope that I step into my 40s with a well-designed life that suits exactly me!

NOTE: My blog probably won’t be for everyone and that’s okay. I’m learning that you can’t make everyone happy, and this is ultimately for me. I’m exploring my life, so the topics I cover and my opinions are by no way anything you have to agree with me about. If you don’t agree, I invite you to stay anyway if you like. Or, you can stop reading and write your own blog! What we’ll agree upon now is this: negative, mean-spirited comments will be erased and ignored.

So, that’s the plan. 40 Weeks to evaluate, revise, and redesign my life. I’m happy you’re here to follow along!